Ever feel like you need to have everything under control, but somehow, you just can’t? Responsibilities, pressures, and expectations pile up, leaving you stressed and exhausted. So, what’s our go-to escape? For many, it’s that extra drink, a late-night Netflix binge, or diving into work to drown out the noise.
But here’s a twist: the need to stay in control isn’t actually a need—it’s a symptom, triggered by the constant uncertainty swirling around us. So, let’s break it down. What’s our primary, primordial instinct? Survival. We need to survive; we need to feel safe. When that sense of safety is threatened, our brains flip the survival mode switch, pushing everything else aside.
How Uncertainty Triggers the Need for Control
When life is good, you feel safe and secure. Imagine this: you’ve got a stable job that you love, a decent salary, and a good work-life balance. You’re inspired by both your professional and personal lives, with time to spare for your own projects. Sounds like a dream in today’s world, right? In this state, you’re more likely to take risks, explore meaningful pursuits, and generally move forward in life.
But then something unexpected happens—maybe it’s a pandemic, a war, or skyrocketing inflation. Whatever it is, it shakes your sense of security. Suddenly, your stable foundation starts to feel wobbly. And just like that, your survival switch is flipped.
From Safety to Fear: The Impact of Uncertainty
When faced with an event too big to manage or control, you start to feel powerless. Maybe at first, you tell yourself not to panic. “I’ve got this,” you think. But as the news keeps rolling in, as you watch your savings dwindle or hear about layoffs, that confidence starts to erode. The pillars of your security get knocked down, one by one.
In survival mode, fear becomes the dominant emotion, even if it’s buried beneath layers of anxiety. Fear is a natural response to uncertainty, and it’s sneaky—it seeps into your thoughts, fuelling stress and creating a loop of worry. The more you stress, the more fear takes hold, and the cycle continues. When humans are scared and stressed, we typically respond in one of four ways.
The Four Fear Responses: Control in Disguise
When fear takes over, our brains trigger one of the classic stress responses: Freeze, Fight, Flight, or Fawn. Each response is a way of trying to regain control in a world where nothing feels certain.
Freeze: You stay put, hoping that if you keep still, the storm will pass.
Fight: You push back against the system—protesting, rioting, or breaking the rules in other ways.
Flight: You decide to move, whether it’s to a new city or country, searching for a safer or better place.
Fawn: You appease those in power, trying to secure a better position by aligning with the system.
Whether it’s jumping from job to job for a better salary or sticking to a frustrating job out of fear, these are all responses to a deep-seated need for control. They offer temporary safety, but deep down, we know it’s shaky. Any small event could trigger another spiral, starting the cycle all over again.
Breaking Free from the Uncertainty Trap
So, how do we snap out of this uncertainty trap? There’s no one-size-fits-all solution because we’re all different, with unique needs to feel safe. But there’s one truth we all share, though we often struggle to admit it: we’re all scared.
Start there. Acknowledge that fear is a natural part of being human. Fear isn’t bad—there are no “bad” emotions. What matters is how we respond to them. If we don’t recognise the emotions driving our behaviour, we can’t evaluate whether our responses are truly helpful.
Once we recognise our fear, we can respond mindfully, based on who we are and what we need. Maybe it means going out with friends to forget everything for a night, or maybe it’s crying in a corner to release the tension. The key is to do it consciously, as a response to fear, rather than as an automatic coping mechanism.
After releasing that initial tension, it’s time to explore new possibilities. If we’re going to be scared anyway, why not consider options that are equally uncertain but potentially more fulfilling? The unknown will always come with a layer of fear, but if we’re already living with fear, we might as well use it as a compass to guide us toward growth.
Living with Fear: Making It Work for You
Fear is more common than we like to admit. If we could normalise this experience, we’d be better equipped to support ourselves and each other. It’s okay to be scared—as long as we don’t let it paralyse us.
So, the next time you feel the need to control everything around you, take a step back. Recognise the fear driving that need. Share your fears with someone you trust—because a shared weight is always lighter.
Although you might expect a list of practical tips and suggestions, I want to break things down to the roots. The risk of offering practical advice is that it can easily turn into just another coping mechanism—something to check off a list without truly addressing the core issue. I could tell you to practise meditation, for example, but even meditation can become a tick-box exercise that soothes our conscience without helping us truly confront what’s going on inside.
That’s why the only practical advice I’ll offer here is this: learn to live with your fear. Don’t push it away; acknowledge it, stay with it. When we accept all our emotions unconditionally and without judgement, we create the space to explore them fully. Only then can we mindfully craft a strategy to move forward, emerging as stronger, more resilient individuals.
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